What a journey it is when you take a vested interest in identifying and connecting with your true self.
One part of this journey is to delineate between the thoughts, desires and feelings of your true self as opposed to the thoughts, desires and feelings of the ego! I have been specifically working on this part of my ‘self’ for 6+ months now which has been trying, easy, exhilarating and humbling at the same time. It has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions, of innocence, of witnessing the internal self all while trying to navigate the duality we all have to deal with. For me the duality of being a human, in the world, of the world and an energetic being intentionally raising my conscious awareness has been a joyous and rewarding experience. It is ongoing and at times, challenging.
Facing my intent and avoiding fear
I, by nature have a personality type that positions me as someone who doesn’t necessarily complete things. While I have the capacity to complete things and can complete them well, if I was to take a personality test the category of ‘completer/finisher’ would rank really low. Where there is a drive and passion for the content or project, I have no worries finishing it. When my passion and drive wanes for any topic or project, the finish line becomes significantly distant. So distant in fact, that the file containing incomplete projects or activities continues to grow.
Over time I have worked with a personal behavioural program that ignites passion, enthusiasm and drive for an idea, project or activity. That’s a great program to have you may think. In my case, I have identified this particular behavioural program is somewhat problematic in the way of rushing me into situations or projects without energetic due diligence for myself, resulting in difficult energetic changes in the situation that either burn me or champion me or both. Either way the program was playing from an unwanted frequency. Sitting in reflection of situations experienced as a result of this program, I arrived to a place on my path of self-discovery where I was able to view the energetic charge that did just that…charge me forward without holistic consideration, starting something that feels great, that will support me and my desires and provide a positive outcome. Only for it to collapse time and time again.
Had I allowed enough time for integration? Had I missed something in the process?
Unfolding the complete process
As I sat with it more and more in a vulnerable and intentional energy, I questioned, is it the behavioural program that rushes me in or something else? I acknowledged I have had repeated behaviour associated with these experiences, but what was truly rushing me in?
I identified I had an emotional program that was contributing but I had to be open to unpacking the situation. I had long before seen the core experience that left a negative energetic imprint on me that developed into the foundation of the rush-in program but after re-programming that experience, releasing the emotional connection to the program, to stand in my energy free from the core triggers, a new version of the program appeared…a much less demanding version but present none-the-less.
This made me question had I done enough to heal the core traumatic experience that initiated the program? Had I allowed enough time for integration? Had I missed something in the process? Obviously yes! Something was up.
I then spent some time checking in with myself, with my energy, looking at what my energy does when I start something new, to identify if it is truly viable for me energetically. As part of the unfolding of this process I found no alignment to the old wounding or program. That had been healed. What I did witness was the ego’s grasp on my behaviour. A stronghold of mammoth proportions. Even though I had healed the energy within me that was housing the emotional program, my ego, the human mind, the inner critic, had a stronghold on the repeat button and able to play the story in my head over and over again making me believe it is safe to rush in. What a discovery. What a change of events as it were. Even though I have done the work to heal to program, my ego, over time, had in fact held a copy of the story and was able to overcome my heart energy and press repeat on the recording of the program it held.
A layer of the process I had not considered. Our ego is made up of all the experiences, good or bad, knowledge and general information that we have been through in our lifetime. Some consider it to be the intellect. Some consider it to be everything. Some not so much. No matter what one’s adaptation of the ego is, it exists, and it has firm control on us. It primarily, in my belief, has the notion that it is keeping us safe by reminding us of its knowing of right and wrong, what worked and what didn’t from past experiences. When in fact it is categorising stories in our mind based on fear and jubilation. Is the jubilation always jubilation? Rushing me into a situation might have felt triumphant in the first instance but it turned out to be challenging and difficult many times. It wasn’t energetically right for me.
What’s controlling our belief systems?
As we learn we increase our awareness. But what happens when our awareness is a duplication of our parents, of our teachers and of our experiences. Where does that information go? My belief is that duplication forms the foundation of our ego. An energetic imprint that is governed by the head and not the heart. The heart (divine / love energy) lives without judgement, blame or criticism of anyone or anything. It understands that everyone is doing the best they can with the knowledge they have at any one time. The head (the ego) has a completely different take on our presence in the world. I believe it is also doing its best with the knowledge it has, combined with the memory of the outcome previously experienced (in any situation) attached to the knowledge / memory it holds. There lies the issue of the ego controlling our believes, our experiences and interaction with our human self through an underlying charade that it is keeping us safe…safe from harm.
The ego is a projection of our previous perceptions, previous experiences that has a stronghold on our decisions, our way of life, our conscious awareness. It is not keeping us safe…it is keeping us stagnant. It is curtailing the circulation and creativity of our heart energy. Keeping us in the believe of what it feels is the correct belief for us to hold. This is what creates bias, discrimination and hate…for ourselves and towards others.
To ultimately overcome the grasp of the ego, one must belief that they are greater than their ego.
Yes, I belief that we hold old energetic patterns from trauma and experiences that play out in our psyche and human self, that turn into negative programs and behaviour. Yes, we can heal those traumatic experiences and the subsequent programs, but we also have to deactivate the repeat button. The story the ego holds as an imprint that will continue to drive the behaviour of the old program in such form, potentially a diluted form.
Deactivating the story…!
Here comes the hard part. Deactivating the story…the ego. Easier said than done and takes a true commitment from any individual that is willing to go down this path. How do we accomplish such a feat of overcoming the ego? Firstly, by changing the story that it will be a feat. Nothing is a feat with self-intention…with self-belief…acceptance of the ‘self’ both good and shadow. To ultimately overcome the grasp of the ego, one must belief that they are greater than their ego, they are worthy of self-acceptance that will lead them back to self-love. This is where all the answers are. A clarity of mind, body and soul. How do we get there?
To love who we truly are, is to discover who we truly are. This discovery for me has been marred with a variety of challenges that I thought were areas of growth and discovery. Which they are if we are still attached to our ego. Attached to the thought train that is constantly chugging through our mind with the inner critic being a station master, telling us what we should think, how we should act, shooting emotional charges linked to long held trauma or grievances into our mind, forcing them to be expressed for the sake of either defending or being heard / acknowledged.
But what if I changed my belief system to ‘I have no thoughts’, ‘my thoughts are an illusion’ made up by the ego, ‘my thoughts are not my truth’? What if I witnessed all the grievances I hold, major or minor, against others that I perceive as having done me wrong as one big grievance against myself? They were all doing the best they could with the knowledge they had at the time when my ego supported their actions to be grievance against me. The human ego is a force of protect and defend, limited by a lack of forgiveness and therefore a lack of love.
In most instances, we are not taught to love ourselves. That is because those that we learned from were doing the best they could with the knowledge they had at any one time, probably not in a place to be able to love themselves due to their own reality or their version of love was tainted by societal belief and in turn their egoic mind. What if we were able to connect with our love energy consistently…to see every experience we have from a place of love? Is this the journey we are to pursue? One of finding and connecting with the divine love within ourselves as a means to step out of our ego?
Time to get out of our own way, drop our thoughts and in turn the egoic illusion our human ‘self’ clings on to. Time to do with work to cultivate a life without judgement, blame and criticism of ourselves and in turn others. Time to live without the egoic story.
Stepping into what our ego fears as the unknown is not always easy. Thankfully I have had the support of a mentor and friends who too are tackling the ego and its grasp on them, as I progress along my path of conscious awareness. A good place to start is a place of curiosity…to explore the concept of the egoic mind having control over us. I extend the invitation to step into your journey and should you need support, guidance or a safe space to explore with a likeminded soul, reach out to me and let’s explore the possibilities together.
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